Good citizens of San Francisco, this is your FINAL WARNING. As part of our defensive plan to contain as many zombies in one place as possible, the Double-L Gyratory Zomby Attractor will be switched “ON” at 7:30pm tonight.

When: 7:30pm Thursday 10/11
Wear: duct tape on torso to indicate participation
Where: The NW corner of the Main Library
Larkin Street, by Fulton
The large metal sculpture (aka “The Double-L Gyratory Zomby Attractor”)
[Google Maps link]

Many of you were already wisely taking precautions to stay far far far away from that area already due to the San Francisco MAYORAL DEBATE going on at the EXACT SAME TIME. Hopefully the undead attackers will be subdued before the the debate is completed and the hundreds of attendees leave the building through the single exit pointed directly at Larkin and Fulton.

Those good citizens, though likely disenfranchised and disillusioned, are not disembrained, and may thus prove IRRESISTABLE to the shambling cerebrophillic horde.

If defeat is unsuccessful, an unknown party has offered to capture as many zombies possible inside a bus, and drive them all to a classified area (in the Mission) for complimentary “embalming fluid” afterwards.

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A recap of basic zombie mob procedures & etiquette:

Show up at the meeting point on time. Arrive dressed as either a zombie (fake blood, torn clothing, vacant stare) or a zombie victim (place a piece of duct tape somewhere visible upon your person, and wear clothes that you do not mind having torn and bloodied). Act like zombies. Attack and “convert” victims. (If you have it, bring extra blood and makup for conversions.) Shamble where the mob shambles. Have fun, but be respectful of innocent bystanders and private property.

1. If you are wearing duct tape on your torso, the mob will attack you, ruin your clothes, eat your brains.
2. Zombies will not get blood on innocent bystanders or their things.
3. Zombies will leave private property reasonably soon after being asked.
4. Zombies who don’t exhibit these behaviors will be beaten into shape by their fellow horde.

NOTE: Even if you didn’t come to work today in “zombie attire” please JOIN US regardless. A shamble and a moan is more than costume enough, and the MORE zombies, the BETTER. (Or worse, really.)

Photo by Scott Beale / Laughing Squid.

URGENT ALERT: Thanks to Professor Grenzfineski’s recently installed EEW* system, we have detected a sudden upsurge in undead activity throughout the city. Another attack is IMMINENT.

But rather than passively wait in fear, we are striking back! With the Professor’s assistance, a zombie homing beacon has been hastily assembled and installed at the Main Library’s north-western corner on Larkin Street, by Fulton.

The Double L Gyratory Undead Attractor (Location on Google Maps)

This device will be switched on TOMORROW night, Thursday the 11th, at PRECISELY 7:30pm. Once activated, the undead hordes will be unable to resist its pull, and will gather immediately at its base, where we will attempt to neutralize them before they can once again terrorize our fair city.

NOTE: Great care must be taken with this operation, as a San Francisco Mayoral debate will be taking place in the Main Library. If we are unable to contain the zombies, it is highly likely that they will turn their attention to the hundreds of citizens exiting the debate at 7:45, whom, though disenfranchised, are not disembrained, and may thus prove irresistible to the shambling cerebrophiles. (Thankfully, zombies DO NOT attack or otherwise harass innocent bystanders. Their moans and sheer numbers are more than horrifying enough.)

Once the zombies have successfully been contained, we will transport them via bus to a secret location, where they will be provided with complimentary “embalming fluid”.

(* Eerie Early Warning: A city-wide network of sensors, cleverly calibrated to detect the presence of re-animated necrotic tissue. And, occasionally, ducks. But he’s working on that.) Photo of the Double L Gyratory by SFMike.

I’m sorry, I have failed you all. We sucessfully funneled zombies to union square, but their numbers were too great. From there they went on to spread chaos all over San Francisco. Our friends at LaugingSquid.com have compiled many photos.

I lost track of the horde as they entered the subway system.
Who knows where they may resurface next!

May 25th, 6pm. No need to dress up, the zombies have plenty of spare blood.

Our zombie containment team has placed special radio transmitters that interfere with zombie’s sense of direction, so that we can funnel them down market to union square where, g_d willing we can neutralize the threat. See map below.

These radio waves also have the following effects on zombies:

1. Zombies will loose the sense of smell. In fact, the only thing they can sense is Duct tape. If you are wearing duct tape on your torso, the mob will attack you, ruin your clothes, eat your brains.
2. Zombies will not get blood on innocent bystanders or their things.
3. Zombies will leave private property reasonably soon after being asked.
4. Zombies who don’t exhibit these behaviors will be beaten into shape by their fellow horde.

^Click for map

• Market and Sansome, N. corner. 6pm. Don’t all show up here at once, stand along the route.
• Right on Geary.
• Union Square at 6:30 sharp. If you haven’t been attacked yet, you should be.
• We will either successfully neutralize the mob, or it will continue all over town.

Friends, It is time to ring the alarms! Zombies are coming! Email everyone you know so they can stay out of harm’s way!

As the date draws near it becomes undeniably clear that a zombie hoard will reach downtown San Francisco on Friday, May 25th around 6pm. This is unfortunately at the same time as the Critical Mass bike ride. They must be notified of the impending danger, for the love of all that is holy!

By Wednesday I will be able to publish detailed information about the route the undead will likely take, projected from topographic and demographic information of the area. It seems that high traffic shopping districts are most attractive to these soulless ghouls.

You (and your loved ones who email mob@eatbrains.com) will receive further details as soon as it is safe to release them.

Do not despair, together we are strong!
– Zombie Wrangler, Containment Specialist

Something sinister is brewing in San Francisco. Stay tuned for further updates if you value your life.