Friends and countrymen, it is with a heavy heart that I report on the state of Zombie Activity in our fair city of San Francisco.
The time has come to once again activate the radio-attraktor towers to funnel hundreds of zombies through downtown to a secure location. This is a risky maneuver, as evidenced by carnage enshrouding last year’s event. Rest assured, we have made improvements to the technology.

We will turn on the radio-attraktor towers at 2:05pm on Saturday, August 16th. All zombies in the area will be telepathically compelled to march down a route which we will disclose in a future email. The radio waves will also cause undead to crave duct tape instead of human flesh. If you are unfortunate enough to be standing along the route with a duct tape “X” on your torso,  you will be attacked and consumed by the horde, after which you will be one of them. Don’t wear your favorite shirt.

Please, please tell your friends and family not to be anywhere near the route at 2:05pm this Saturday! Have them sign up for updates or follow the movement live on Twitter with up-to-the-minute zombie migration forecast, Beijing Olympic protest style. If we loose radio control of the mob, the result will be catastrophically gruesome!

Our crack team of zombie wranglers has recently returned from tag-and-release operations in Central America. While we were away, undead activity in the SF bay area steadily rose to unacceptable levels. Using special telepathic radio frequencies, we shall attract lingering zombies to a location where they can be eliminated en masse. This will insure that the virginal, clean, and orderly city of San Francisco remains that way.

August 16th is the date we will turn on the Zombie Attraktor towers. The last time we attempted this maneuver things got a little out of hand… We will publish more information to help you upstanding citizens avoid the spectacle at all costs. If you are at the wrong place at the wrong time (wearing duct tape on your torso) you would risk being swept into the fray. How trajic that would be!

We also have a new mailing list, please make sure you are on it.

At this rate, a brood of zombies will reach San Francisco in mid August. The most important thing you can do, average citizen, is to refrain from panic. Our team will neutralize them before they can do any damage.

Friends, I have returned from Vienna having cleared that city of the Zombie threat. It appears to be an open and close case, though we will have to see what happens when that city thaws out in Spring. Using a new technology we were able to capture images of the undead whith super High Dynamics. Click on a photo for more:

Like the bubonic plague which rocked San Francisco at the turn of the centruy, zombie activity is less common during the cold months. I implore you all to be prepared for more carnage as spring drapes it’s golden veil o’er the stately hills and valleys of our fair city. You have been warned.

I have confirmed an active undead population here in Vienna!  November 10th we will try to finish them off for good!

Lock your doors, do not go outside (if you are in Austria)

Follow the link for more information and to get on the mailing list for Vienna.

Link

Thanks to the work of my associate, Dr. Grenzfineski, I believe we have the undead beat for now! The “Double L gyroscopic undead attractor” drew a large rot of zombies, and all were sucessfully neutralized afterward. San Francisco will be clear of zombies for some time to follow…

However, I am concerned that a group of visiting Austrians may have been infected. I am now en-route to Vienna to investigate, expect further documentation here.

Photos and sworn testimony from Thursday’s zombie outbreak will be distributed on this site shortly.

Good citizens of San Francisco, this is your FINAL WARNING. As part of our defensive plan to contain as many zombies in one place as possible, the Double-L Gyratory Zomby Attractor will be switched “ON” at 7:30pm tonight.

When: 7:30pm Thursday 10/11
Wear: duct tape on torso to indicate participation
Where: The NW corner of the Main Library
Larkin Street, by Fulton
The large metal sculpture (aka “The Double-L Gyratory Zomby Attractor”)
[Google Maps link]

Many of you were already wisely taking precautions to stay far far far away from that area already due to the San Francisco MAYORAL DEBATE going on at the EXACT SAME TIME. Hopefully the undead attackers will be subdued before the the debate is completed and the hundreds of attendees leave the building through the single exit pointed directly at Larkin and Fulton.

Those good citizens, though likely disenfranchised and disillusioned, are not disembrained, and may thus prove IRRESISTABLE to the shambling cerebrophillic horde.

If defeat is unsuccessful, an unknown party has offered to capture as many zombies possible inside a bus, and drive them all to a classified area (in the Mission) for complimentary “embalming fluid” afterwards.

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A recap of basic zombie mob procedures & etiquette:

Show up at the meeting point on time. Arrive dressed as either a zombie (fake blood, torn clothing, vacant stare) or a zombie victim (place a piece of duct tape somewhere visible upon your person, and wear clothes that you do not mind having torn and bloodied). Act like zombies. Attack and “convert” victims. (If you have it, bring extra blood and makup for conversions.) Shamble where the mob shambles. Have fun, but be respectful of innocent bystanders and private property.

1. If you are wearing duct tape on your torso, the mob will attack you, ruin your clothes, eat your brains.
2. Zombies will not get blood on innocent bystanders or their things.
3. Zombies will leave private property reasonably soon after being asked.
4. Zombies who don’t exhibit these behaviors will be beaten into shape by their fellow horde.

NOTE: Even if you didn’t come to work today in “zombie attire” please JOIN US regardless. A shamble and a moan is more than costume enough, and the MORE zombies, the BETTER. (Or worse, really.)

Photo by Scott Beale / Laughing Squid.

URGENT ALERT: Thanks to Professor Grenzfineski’s recently installed EEW* system, we have detected a sudden upsurge in undead activity throughout the city. Another attack is IMMINENT.

But rather than passively wait in fear, we are striking back! With the Professor’s assistance, a zombie homing beacon has been hastily assembled and installed at the Main Library’s north-western corner on Larkin Street, by Fulton.

The Double L Gyratory Undead Attractor (Location on Google Maps)

This device will be switched on TOMORROW night, Thursday the 11th, at PRECISELY 7:30pm. Once activated, the undead hordes will be unable to resist its pull, and will gather immediately at its base, where we will attempt to neutralize them before they can once again terrorize our fair city.

NOTE: Great care must be taken with this operation, as a San Francisco Mayoral debate will be taking place in the Main Library. If we are unable to contain the zombies, it is highly likely that they will turn their attention to the hundreds of citizens exiting the debate at 7:45, whom, though disenfranchised, are not disembrained, and may thus prove irresistible to the shambling cerebrophiles. (Thankfully, zombies DO NOT attack or otherwise harass innocent bystanders. Their moans and sheer numbers are more than horrifying enough.)

Once the zombies have successfully been contained, we will transport them via bus to a secret location, where they will be provided with complimentary “embalming fluid”.

(* Eerie Early Warning: A city-wide network of sensors, cleverly calibrated to detect the presence of re-animated necrotic tissue. And, occasionally, ducks. But he’s working on that.) Photo of the Double L Gyratory by SFMike.

I’m sorry, I have failed you all. We sucessfully funneled zombies to union square, but their numbers were too great. From there they went on to spread chaos all over San Francisco. Our friends at LaugingSquid.com have compiled many photos.

I lost track of the horde as they entered the subway system.
Who knows where they may resurface next!

May 25th, 6pm. No need to dress up, the zombies have plenty of spare blood.

Our zombie containment team has placed special radio transmitters that interfere with zombie’s sense of direction, so that we can funnel them down market to union square where, g_d willing we can neutralize the threat. See map below.

These radio waves also have the following effects on zombies:

1. Zombies will loose the sense of smell. In fact, the only thing they can sense is Duct tape. If you are wearing duct tape on your torso, the mob will attack you, ruin your clothes, eat your brains.
2. Zombies will not get blood on innocent bystanders or their things.
3. Zombies will leave private property reasonably soon after being asked.
4. Zombies who don’t exhibit these behaviors will be beaten into shape by their fellow horde.

^Click for map

• Market and Sansome, N. corner. 6pm. Don’t all show up here at once, stand along the route.
• Right on Geary.
• Union Square at 6:30 sharp. If you haven’t been attacked yet, you should be.
• We will either successfully neutralize the mob, or it will continue all over town.