Possible Suspects by Steve Rhodes
Photo evidence has been flooding the internet tubes. We may have found evidence of sabotage, perhaps someone did not want our zombie eradication efforts to succeed.
A suspicious character wearing a Guy Fawkes mask was seen fiddling with our positransic beam generator just before the failure. Any information leading to his apprehension will be greatly rewarded.
Oh the horror! Our positransic beams were an utter failure! Three hundred fifty rotting zombies shuffled through the Gate of Eradication unperturbed, spreading blood and chaos through the Union Square area.
This video may hold the answer
We are researching what may have caused the failure. If you have photo or video documentation that might help us, please send links to mob[at]eatbrains(dot)com. Tag your photos with “eatbrains” and “eatbrains08″. We will release our findings in a couple days.
Thank you good citizens, your cooperation makes great things possible.
Click here for a larger map
The time has come! At 2:05 PM Saturday August 16th, the horde will descend from the Blue Monolith!
As you know, our telepathic radio zombie attraktor signal renders zombies mostly harmless, making them crave duct tape instead of human flesh. The only way you would become one of the mob would be if you:
Other effects of the attraktor include:
Those who which to document the gruesome eradication should make an attempt to attach the tag/keyword “eatbrains” within the meta data of any media posted to the internet. If you are still in the city during the attack, tune into the Twitter stream which is updated live with information about the whereabouts of the undead vermin horde crawling through the streets of our fine San Francisco.
Once we have collected all the zombies in the area, they will be guided though the “Gate of Eradication” where our Positransic Beam will incinerate undead flesh. Unfortunately we haven’t had time to test this technology on undead humans, but lab results were very promising.
Our zombie wranglers have used advanced geo-statistical algorithms to select a route for the operation this Saturday. It will be made available to the public at the earliest prudent moment. In the mean time keep spreading the word, good people of San Francisco.
And now we pause for a moment to remember one of own who was overcome by undead in Vienna due to confusion over the metric system.
Friends and countrymen, it is with a heavy heart that I report on the state of Zombie Activity in our fair city of San Francisco.
The time has come to once again activate the radio-attraktor towers to funnel hundreds of zombies through downtown to a secure location. This is a risky maneuver, as evidenced by carnage enshrouding last year’s event. Rest assured, we have made improvements to the technology.
We will turn on the radio-attraktor towers at 2:05pm on Saturday, August 16th. All zombies in the area will be telepathically compelled to march down a route which we will disclose in a future email. The radio waves will also cause undead to crave duct tape instead of human flesh. If you are unfortunate enough to be standing along the route with a duct tape “X” on your torso, you will be attacked and consumed by the horde, after which you will be one of them. Don’t wear your favorite shirt.
Please, please tell your friends and family not to be anywhere near the route at 2:05pm this Saturday! Have them sign up for updates or follow the movement live on Twitter with up-to-the-minute zombie migration forecast, Beijing Olympic protest style. If we loose radio control of the mob, the result will be catastrophically gruesome!
Our crack team of zombie wranglers has recently returned from tag-and-release operations in Central America. While we were away, undead activity in the SF bay area steadily rose to unacceptable levels. Using special telepathic radio frequencies, we shall attract lingering zombies to a location where they can be eliminated en masse. This will insure that the virginal, clean, and orderly city of San Francisco remains that way.
August 16th is the date we will turn on the Zombie Attraktor towers. The last time we attempted this maneuver things got a little out of hand… We will publish more information to help you upstanding citizens avoid the spectacle at all costs. If you are at the wrong place at the wrong time (wearing duct tape on your torso) you would risk being swept into the fray. How trajic that would be!
We also have a new mailing list, please make sure you are on it.
At this rate, a brood of zombies will reach San Francisco in mid August. The most important thing you can do, average citizen, is to refrain from panic. Our team will neutralize them before they can do any damage.
Friends, I have returned from Vienna having cleared that city of the Zombie threat. It appears to be an open and close case, though we will have to see what happens when that city thaws out in Spring. Using a new technology we were able to capture images of the undead whith super High Dynamics. Click on a photo for more:
Like the bubonic plague which rocked San Francisco at the turn of the centruy, zombie activity is less common during the cold months. I implore you all to be prepared for more carnage as spring drapes it’s golden veil o’er the stately hills and valleys of our fair city. You have been warned.
I have confirmed an active undead population here in Vienna! November 10th we will try to finish them off for good!
Lock your doors, do not go outside (if you are in Austria)
Follow the link for more information and to get on the mailing list for Vienna.
Thanks to the work of my associate, Dr. Grenzfineski, I believe we have the undead beat for now! The “Double L gyroscopic undead attractor” drew a large rot of zombies, and all were sucessfully neutralized afterward. San Francisco will be clear of zombies for some time to follow…
However, I am concerned that a group of visiting Austrians may have been infected. I am now en-route to Vienna to investigate, expect further documentation here.
Photos and sworn testimony from Thursday’s zombie outbreak will be distributed on this site shortly.